Isn’t it strange how one small event in your day can make you so happy, yet feel so guilty for that feeling? The event doesn’t even bring back feelings of longing or sadness or anything as it should. The happiness that I shouldn’t be feeling. I try to separate all of my feelings, but I think that the last few weeks (months, maybe) have been so emotionally draining that it’s hard to focus or even notice when something good happens. Good things seem so rare, like I find it front page news when I laugh at this point. It’s a horrible place to be, but what can you do? Ive been trying so hard to not let this one thing affect me, my relationship, my thoughts. But that tiny event that happened today just screwed it up. Not in the way that you’d assume either, as I’m not certain that the two events even relate.
This event just got me thinking about my relationship. Not even that it’s a bad one, cause it’s not, but my part in everything. And I was talking to my friend about my issues and how I need to get over some things before I can fully commit. I don’t know how true that statement is, really, but it got me thinking more about how different people are and what diffent lessons you take from everyone that you come into contact with. Sure, there a lot of people who just come in and out of your life without changing anything, but some people just really change the way that you are. Different people can give you such different gifts and I think that is a very important to remember. I feel like I’ve been lucky and at this current moment am lucky to have what I have. It’s really hard to not let other people’s thoughts get in to your head, too. Everyone always has their own opinions, and maybe they just mean well, but you ultimately are living your life. I know why I’m doing what I’m doing. It’s all very confusing and I know this post doesn’t make any sense (sorry), but I’m just trying to sort out what I’m feeling and the only way to do that is on the internet, obviously.